Reversible

A recent report in CNN revealed a link between divorce and the amount spent on one's wedding. The more a couple spends on their wedding, the more likely they will divorce.

In another study on marriage, the authors suggest that happiness is based on delusions. If one believes their spouse is smart, funny, attractive, or unique, they are going to have a happier marriage.

Similar results were found by Dan Gilbert, Professor of Psychology at Harvard University. He discovered that happiness was higher when individuals saw situations as non-reversible. In his study, participants ranked a series of paintings on a scale of 1-10. They were then presented with a free print of a painting they ranked as average. Awhile later they were asked to re-rank the paintings. During the second evaluation, they ranked their free print as above average. Here is a video link to his TED Talk.

It seems like when we are denied the opportunity to change a situation, we resolve this tension by adjusting our views. It's a common mechanism used when our thoughts and behaviors do not align. In psychology terms it is called resolving cognitive dissonance. We create delusions or change our opinions so that we can feel consistent.

The first study about marriage and divorce, highlights the challenges that comes with wealth. When we have monetary wealth or wealth of opportunities, we can delay emotions or distract ourselves. In the short term there is some benefit to distractions, but just like credit cards, bills must eventually be paid.  We must eventually deal with emotions to be truly happy.

The second study uses the word delusions, but I believe the participants actually saw their spouses through a wider lens. They saw the unique gifts and talents that may be missed by the casual observer.

Dan Gilbert's studies reveal that happiness is synthesized not found. If we see outcomes as non-reversible, we're forced to see the positives instead of looking for ways to change the past or recreate the past in the future. After a dissappointing race, athletes will typically rush to enter another one. If we lose money on a stock, we hurry to buy another stock. However, by failing to process the reality of the moment, we're suppressing our emotions and missing growth opportunities. Seeing outcomes as non-reversible has the potential to be a powerful tool. The initial sting of being in an undesirable situation is painful, but through the pain we are able to grow.

I wasn't happy with my last race and I can't change that. I really wanted to go out and do another race or sign up for the same event next year, but I didn't. I've accepted the reality and slowly learned to appreciate the gift of that result. If seeing outcomes as non-reversible is painful, know that there will always be another decision looming that can alter one's path.

Lifelong Companion

"I have always completely understood that the one person with whom you will live every second of the rest of your life with, is yourself. Therefore, you better be happy with who you are and be proud of who you are so that you can look yourself in the mirror everyday and like what you see and be happy that you are your own lifelong companion." - Siri Lindley reflecting back on her life during the height of her triathlon career. She failed to make the 2000 Olympic team, but went on to win two World Cups and an ITU World Championship. In doing so she became the #1 ranked triathlete in 2001 and 2002.

The actor Brad Pitt also discussed the importance of loving yourself. “Man, I know all these things are supposed to seem important to us - the car, the condo, our version of success - but if that's the case, why is the general feeling out there reflecting more impotence and isolation and desperation and loneliness? The emphasis now is on success and personal gain. I'm sitting in it, and I'm telling you, that's not it. I'm the guy who's got everything. I know. But I'm telling you, once you've got everything, then you're just left with yourself. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it doesn't help you sleep any better, and you don't wake up any better because of it.”

Siri and Brad are both highly successful people who came to the same conclusion that there is more to life than awards. We are neither heroes nor failures because of our results. Things will neither add or subtract from our intrinsic value. Let go of the search for happiness and just live. Challenge yourself and explore, then at the end of the day give yourself grace knowing that you did the best you could under the circumstances. Once we love ourselves, success will be inevitable.