Reversible

A recent report in CNN revealed a link between divorce and the amount spent on one's wedding. The more a couple spends on their wedding, the more likely they will divorce.

In another study on marriage, the authors suggest that happiness is based on delusions. If one believes their spouse is smart, funny, attractive, or unique, they are going to have a happier marriage.

Similar results were found by Dan Gilbert, Professor of Psychology at Harvard University. He discovered that happiness was higher when individuals saw situations as non-reversible. In his study, participants ranked a series of paintings on a scale of 1-10. They were then presented with a free print of a painting they ranked as average. Awhile later they were asked to re-rank the paintings. During the second evaluation, they ranked their free print as above average. Here is a video link to his TED Talk.

It seems like when we are denied the opportunity to change a situation, we resolve this tension by adjusting our views. It's a common mechanism used when our thoughts and behaviors do not align. In psychology terms it is called resolving cognitive dissonance. We create delusions or change our opinions so that we can feel consistent.

The first study about marriage and divorce, highlights the challenges that comes with wealth. When we have monetary wealth or wealth of opportunities, we can delay emotions or distract ourselves. In the short term there is some benefit to distractions, but just like credit cards, bills must eventually be paid.  We must eventually deal with emotions to be truly happy.

The second study uses the word delusions, but I believe the participants actually saw their spouses through a wider lens. They saw the unique gifts and talents that may be missed by the casual observer.

Dan Gilbert's studies reveal that happiness is synthesized not found. If we see outcomes as non-reversible, we're forced to see the positives instead of looking for ways to change the past or recreate the past in the future. After a dissappointing race, athletes will typically rush to enter another one. If we lose money on a stock, we hurry to buy another stock. However, by failing to process the reality of the moment, we're suppressing our emotions and missing growth opportunities. Seeing outcomes as non-reversible has the potential to be a powerful tool. The initial sting of being in an undesirable situation is painful, but through the pain we are able to grow.

I wasn't happy with my last race and I can't change that. I really wanted to go out and do another race or sign up for the same event next year, but I didn't. I've accepted the reality and slowly learned to appreciate the gift of that result. If seeing outcomes as non-reversible is painful, know that there will always be another decision looming that can alter one's path.